Conflict Is a Part of The Role
A few weeks ago I discussed how criticism is part of the role of a leader. This week we’re going to explore another major part of being a leader.
Conflict.
Over the last few weeks I’ve engaged in many discussions with high performing leaders, some regularly scheduled calls, others a cry for help in the midst of a storm.
I’m increasingly convinced that, as a leader, if you’re going to do real work, not just push paper around, not just look busy and feel important, but real meaningful, transformational work - conflict will be ever present along the way.
Last week I got a text from a college coach that simply read:
“Hey man. I know this is super last minute but is there any chance you’d have time to chat today? It's been a very rough day and I think it would really help me to have your wisdom on some things.”
Upon jumping into it - the coach shared he was in the midst of multiple conflicts at the same time. His assistant coach had been quietly leading a mutiny behind his back. Some of his players had gone to the athletic director and voiced complaints - some he felt were justified, others had no basis and were extremely hurtful as he felt he had made many efforts to do the exact opposite of what he was accused of.
In a single day he engaged in conflict with his athletic director, was placed on an improvement plan and was internally reprimanded (which to him felt extreme). He also had to confront his assistant coach and make the decision to let them go from the staff. He woke up that morning like any other day. By noon his blood was boiling, by 5pm he’s staring at the steering wheel of his car with a cocktail of heated emotions and a whole host of thoughts and possibilities.
A week before my call with that coach I spoke with another athlete I work with, who upon being taken out of the game he was pitching in he was confronted by an assistant coach seconds after returning to the dugout. The assistant coach challenged him saying, “Are you going to do anything today?! We’re all tired of watching your BS, are you going to bring anything to this team today?!”
Instantly his mind and body were thrust into a fight or flight state. Heart rate rising, blood boiling. He’s put into a lose-lose situation. Argue back with the coach and you look like you can’t take authority and challenge. Sit and “wear it” and you’re letting your character be challenged, and your effort be questioned when you know you’ve been giving it your all.
Poise in the midst of conflict is not easily found.
Conflict Is a Part of the Role
Your principles, values, leadership philosophy, vision statements, all of it is very important.
But let’s acknowledge a really important fact about personal flourishing leadership.
Conflict is going to define your leadership effectiveness.
How you deal with conflict matters greatly to your true leadership potential.
Do you avoid it?
Withdraw and shut down?
Ignore things and hope they get better?
Make moves without conversation?
Do you over-do it?
Emotionally blow someone up?
Blindside them and catch them off guard because you need to “get something off your chest?”
Conflict is coming for you or is already on your doorstep.
This reality about conflict in leadership can go a number of ways. Here’s 5 things to reflect on this week as you engage with conflict in leadership. And an invitation to go deeper (if the timing is right).
It would be wise to have a general sense for your tendencies when dealing with conflict. Your innate wiring is going to shape your conflict response. Your core motivations will be in play. Your core fears will be involved. Your well-worn grooves will show up and will ultimately dictate your ability to successfully engage in conflict.
A person in conflict within themselves is often less effective as they engage with conflict with another. Where are you lacking peace of mind in your own life? Is that internal strain swelling to a level that will overflow into the next conflict you’re in, causing an over-exaggerated response when triggered? Are you drifting in ways you know you need to address? Is the inability to address your personal drifting creating angst and strain that comes to the surface in conflict and limiting poise and composure when it matters most?
Your values, principles, leadership philosophies, and quotes on the wall will go out the window the second you enter into a fight or flight internal state. One of the tell-tale signs of being in a heightened internal state is the increase of defensive responses. We must do everything in our power to prepare for our response when in a heightened state. Emotional stability training becomes an asset in conflict. One of the signature signs of a flourishing rest and digest state is the decrease of “defensive responses.” When conflict bombards your weekly itinerary, it pays to enter into it in the best possible internal state. Reaching this state does not happen by accident and is not something we aimlessly drift into. It comes from awareness, training and continual re-alignment.
The goal is not to “avoid conflict.” I’m not sure that is even possible in leadership and certainly not possible in a life lived on purpose. The goal is to successfully lead our inner life for maximum composure and poise. From this posture we can choose the best responses for future growth and effectiveness.
We want to recover healthily after conflict. Minimal replaying soundbites said or engaging in hypothetical back and forth mentally. We want to avoid remaining stuck in a heightened nervous system fight or flight state well after completion of conflict.
When conflict arises, it exposes what has been going on in your inner life.
Your leadership is the overflow of your lifestyle.
The quality of your leadership is deeply connected to your inner life mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Positive well-being in these four areas is a competitive advantage in all components of leadership and high performance - but especially in how we purposefully engage in conflict.
This deeper inner life work is a major part of what I focus on inside my coaching program, The Overflow - a six month, 1-on-1 coaching experience focused on how leaders live, carry pressure, and perform when the stakes are high.
This work is shaped by years inside competitive environments and informed by leadership development, performance psychology, nervous system education, and lived experience.
Leaders in The Overflow spend time working on areas most leadership development never touches.
Separating performance pressure from personal identity
Becoming more aware of stress, emotion, and reactivity instead of suppressing it
Identifying personal and professional drift before it becomes burnout
Building rhythms and recovery that support leadership instead of sabotaging it
Developing greater self-understanding so decisions are made with clarity, composure and awareness.
Learning how to live and lead from a healthier internal state instead of constantly operating from exhaustion or survival mode.
A few past participants have described the work this way:
“I don’t wake up angry anymore. I understand myself better and know what tools to use when pressure shows up.”
“I have a much better understanding of how to manage stress and invest in my own well-being.”
“I am far more aware of what I need to work on to flourish in my life and leadership.”
“I learned how to identify drift early and correct it before it turned into burnout.”
If you’re carrying levels of pressure that are beginning to impact your leadership, relationships, well-being, or overall effectiveness, The Overflow may be a meaningful next step.
You can explore more below and, if it feels aligned, schedule a conversation.
Stay The Course,
JB
